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NEWS 120 - 31 Comments
From: Swerb Entered on: September 29, 2003 12:31 PM
I'm impressed. Hopefully, there are some good shitting stories as follow-up to this exorbitant culinary excursion. Your Fatty power theory could explain why those football linemen are so strong and athletic despite their massive belt overhang.     I, however, have evened out to 159.5 lbs., and am sticking to a strict regime three times a week: Walk a mile, run a mile, walk a half-mile to cool down (adding a running lap every week), followed by stints in the weight room, alternating upper-body and lower-body workouts. I've been on the wagon for a month, and celebrated with a 14-oz. New York strip on Saturday with morel mushrooms, mashed potatoes and asparagus at Judson's steakhouse in the BOB (heck, I wasn't buying). Subsequently, my gaseous emissions rattled the windows and made the dog cry.
From: Ross Entered on: September 29, 2003 2:48 PM
Too bad Swerb, you could have BLAMED the dog instead. Ask Bone.     As for the Loading Zone, I'm through with any kind of friendly chastisement, that game has long since failed... I realize that Fatty, and Roche especially will probably eat themselves to death and there are no known physical forces that could stop it at this point. They have passed beyond the event horizon of the Fat Hole, never to return.     Swerb, you're sweet. The past couple weeks I've been slacking a bit - only working out a couple times a week, and while my diet has been exemplary during the week, I have reverted to less-than-ideal eating habits on the weekends. Though I'm far from the point of no return. I think I should pick up a new book on the Zone to re-motivate myself.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: September 29, 2003 11:55 PM
The sandwichs were the size of a gamecube I like how Fatty uses items we gamers are all familar with for comparison. And he didn't exagerate at all. But hey, it could have been worse: Like sandwiches the size of a PS2 or *gasp!* an Xbox! I'm a sucker for gravy. Case in point: Saturday night Ang & I went to a wedding reception in which I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the food. Especially the beef gravy. On my second outing to the food table (I'm sorry - is second's at weddings tacky?) I got more beef AND chicken breast and poured the rich, thick gravy over the whole plate. Yum yum! By the way, we're having grilled salmon tonight with broccoli (sans gravy). Fatty's infatuation with fried "chicken tenders" is what frightens me most. As much as I like gravy, BBQ sauce and ketchup, it can in know way compare to Fatty's love of the o' mighty tender. As he was finishing up his meatloaf-sandwich-n-gravy platter he eyed the leftover tenders from one of the kids' meal, procured it and consumed it. All on a full stomach. I believe an intervention may be imminent.
From: Swerb Entered on: September 29, 2003 11:33 PM
I can't recall the exact quote, but I do believe during one of Homer Simpson's visits to the physician, Dr. Hibbert quipped, "Homer, it's not your cholesterol I'm worried about -- it's your gravy level that's high."     And Zilla, I don't think going for seconds at a wedding buffet is a social faux pas... but putting beef gravy on chicken? Were you wearing white after Labor Day, too? Jeez!
From: Jackzilla Entered on: September 29, 2003 11:54 PM
Slurp - Actually I wear all-white every Tuesday at the store. I look like Matlock and I'm SWEET!
From: Ross Entered on: September 30, 2003 7:02 PM
I have decided to adopt a reasonable version of the loading zone: anabolic burst cycling. I have blathered on about doing it before, but for whatever reason (notably my inability to consistently eat 4000 calories a day) I never stuck to it. So this week is marking my first of two "lean weeks," where I am doing only cardio and eating about 1600 calories a day. This will be followed by 2 weeks of 3500+ calories a day and only weightlifting. Let's see if I can put on some muscle this way and not gain any fat...
From: BigFatty Entered on: September 30, 2003 11:20 PM
I recommend Wendy's #1 combo, KFC Boneless Honey BBQ Wings, and plenty of Taco Bell - that is if you are looking for calorie sources (I just happen to be an expert here).     We fear you might be out of touch on some eating - too many watercrest sandwiches keeping you skinny. Here are two more of my favs! Both are quick and tasty! The HungryMan Meatball Sub is stellar! It is one of the tastiest samiches I've had. At 700 calories, it should fatten you up good. The HungryMan Beer Battered Chicken Tenders with cheese fries is good too. Its a whole pound of food so just eating one meal will gain you a pound (temporarily).     ;)
From: Ross Entered on: October 1, 2003 7:14 AM
Thank you, Fatty. You are a wealth of weight gain information!
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 3, 2003 1:57 AM
Swerbie - How could you go to the German Village and not get a Wally Burger Basket?? I know you have a love for sausage; myself, I like some spicy meat. But Wally Burgers - Good Lord!     Tony and I used to stop in the Village when we were skipping classes at Grand Valley. I tried the tri-wurst platter to get back to my germaine german roots, but it was the Wally burger that won my heart.     If you ever get back to Standull try the 1/2 pound beefy goodness of a Wally burger. The name says it all!
From: Ross Entered on: October 3, 2003 7:38 AM
Is that the ghost of Fatty talking? Surely anyone who has this amount of knowledge on fat foods must be dead by now.
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 3, 2003 10:07 AM
Oh contraire mon fraire. The fat in my body has completely taken over. It has ingested all bone and muscle tissue and taken over the functionality of my brain. What I am now is a highly functioning blob who is extremely efficient at absorbing cheeseburgers.     You are witness to evolution in process here. It is the blobs that will inherit the earth. I am working on how to absorb people into my fat belly. I think I?ll have to start with babies ? perhaps wrapped in cheeseburgers. Soon I will move on to adults. Get out of my way or get in my fat belly little man!     Even Neo can't stop me.
From: Ross Entered on: October 3, 2003 11:08 AM
I can't argue with a single point of your logic, my friend. I bow to the inevitability of my absorption by Jabba the Heiss.
From: John Entered on: October 3, 2003 1:03 PM
What Fatty doesn't want you to know is he is trying to lose weight after seeing a 200 pound weigh in. Why do ask doesn't he want you to know, because he is afraid if he fails the mighty Bert will rub it in. I too have endeavored this week to start a weight loss routine. We have been doing cardio this week and I have purchased some nice new running shoes with the hope that it will help me avoid injury. I have reduced my caloric intake and have lossed four pounds this week. After the Zone I weighed two hundred pounds and after this week I'm going around two hundred six pounds. I have not (contrary to popular belief) turned into a fat slob since going off the zone. Fatty will agree that I in fact look about as lean as I did while on the zone. I am sporting a bit more muscle however and am guite powerful despit my naggin injuries ( I injured myself on the third rep with three hundred pounds). Scoff if you will but Fatty and I are trying to lose the fat. Running every other day will hopefully help the process.
From: Ross Entered on: October 3, 2003 1:24 PM
Who the hell is scoffing? I defy you to find an instance where I have ridiculed people for TRYING AND FAILING to lose weight. What has prompted ridicule and scorn from me, however, is the LACK OF TRYING to get in better shape. Failure is nothing to make fun of. Resignation to failure, though, is a different story. I have always been highly supportive of everyone's attempts at weight loss, and will continue to be so. Give me some credit, guys.
From: John Entered on: October 8, 2003 11:43 AM
You're right, Bert. It was unfair of me say you would rub it in if we were to fail. You have always been supportive of anyone trying to improve one's self. Lack of trying has been what has caused ridicule from you and rightfully so. Fatty and I are trying but I must admit that our diet so far has not been great. We've stuck to cardio the past couple of weeks however we both need to turn our attention to the type of food we are consuming. I believe Fatty will fill you in on the rest of the story.
From: Ross Entered on: October 9, 2003 9:04 AM
Well I am in need of some support my damn self. I have been having a hard time sticking to my diet/exercise regime as well. I ran the other day (at 7mph for much of it) but my legs are fubar right now, so I didn't work out yesterday as a result. And I'm doing my best to eat well but lately I've been out and about without the ability to be as strict. I don't think I'm gaining any weight overall but I'm fearing muscle loss/fat gain = constant weight is in effect.
From: Swerb Entered on: October 16, 2003 6:07 PM
By the way, be sure to read today's Grand Rapids Press for my excursion for Coney dogs with Big Fatty. He gets name dropped a few times in it, and in the article, I mention that he taught me all about the Loading Zone... sorry, there's no link, because the Press' website doesn't have it posted, and therefore is a complete waste of cyberspace.
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 16, 2003 9:44 PM
And the whole world will know of our man date. I admire your courage for outing us. Two men sharing a moment together. Laughing between bites of all-beef franks with chilli and golden chicken tenders. Why does society have to look at us as being wrong! Can't two men enjoy their chillidogs together without the snickers? MMMmmmmm snickers.
From: Ross Entered on: October 16, 2003 10:20 PM
Be careful Ace: you just might bring fairy Gary over to the Bert side and contaminate the majority.
From: Ross Entered on: October 17, 2003 9:27 AM
Swerb: did you type your article on your computer? Why can't you cut and paste the text in here?
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 17, 2003 2:05 PM
For a crack-reporter you sure screwed the pooch Swerb! Didn't they reach you in Newsreporting 101 about fact checking. You can't just assume facts my friend. Verify, Verify, Verify!     I am deeply offended because YOU SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!!!! It is spelled BigFatty not Big Fatty. Yes you have to capitalize the F too. How insulting. We are supposed to be friends and you can't even spell my name right.     I think you'll have to make it up to me by taking me out on another Press-supported man date.
From: Ross Entered on: October 17, 2003 2:17 PM
I just have to remark once again that Fatty's comments are always doubly funny because of his icon.
From: Swerb Entered on: October 17, 2003 5:16 PM
Bert: I'll cut and paste the text of the article here when I'm in the office next week.     Fatty: Perhaps I fornicated the process on the spelling of your name, but keep in mind, I was tempted to mention in the article that our man-date predated history. Remember, it's not rocket science, it's just a restaurant column.
From: John Entered on: October 18, 2003 1:49 PM
Oooh, "predated history", good one Swerbster. Ace will never live it down.     Hey, I love to eat too, when can I go on a man-date? They don't call me Johnny Chilidog for nothing.
From: Ross Entered on: October 21, 2003 9:44 AM
Well, where is it, Swerb? I want to read about the lunch that predated history.     By the way Fatty, I told my mom about your paper and the "predates history" line and she was shocked and appalled.
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 22, 2003 10:01 PM
Dude - Why are you going to tarnish me for your moms. (Thats ghetto speak) Granted it was a stupid sounding line, but the reality is I left out the word written - so it would have read predates written history. It was not my best work, but throwing it out there like I meant to compose it like that...... Moms is going to think I'm totally stupid whenever she deals with me.
From: Ross Entered on: October 23, 2003 8:20 AM
Don't worry Fatty, I told her what I thought you meant. But she just loves those stories of mis-statements in term papers, I knew she would get a chuckle out of it. Every time I mention you she always asks how your motorcycle court incident worked out. Doesn't matter how many times I tell her - she won't remember the outcome but she will remember that you had a problem with some shitty cops.
From: Swerb Entered on: October 23, 2003 3:21 PM
Yeah, I know, this is a little bit after the fact, but here's my stupid Big Fatty man-date column. It won't win me a Pulitzer, but it's kinda fun:     Most of you are aware of a popular diet known as The Zone.   Well, I recently was introduced to a variation of it, called, appropriately, The Loading Zone. A friend and I ventured to the National Grill and Coney to put it to test; it was my first venture into such a zone, and my first Coney dog consumption in what seems like eons.   The National Grill is a more than apt setting for The Loading Zone, which, my friend taught me, involves the unrestrained consumption of delicious, politically incorrect foods. My friend's nickname, by the way, is Big Fatty.   You think I'm joking. Why he hasn't accompanied me on a Cheap Eats excursion before is a good question, because he's perfect for the job.   Well, I was told the National Grill has the best Coney dogs in town (are there any other Coney dog joints in town? Somebody e-mail me!), so I figured that was a good place to start. I considered the traditional Coney Island-er ($1.95, $2.25 with cheese), then glanced at the Coney-style burger ($2.25, $2.50 with cheese), but the Special Coney was calling my name.   Take a Coney dog, put it in a bun, cover it with spicy ground beef, chili, mustard, onions and cheese, and you've got yourself a tasty, meatatarian-friendly meal for the amazingly low price of $2.95 ($2.65 if you opt for no cheese, but why would you?). I added a side of onion rings for $1.75 and a soda for $1.45.   Fatty opted for the special, which included a regular Coney, fries and a soda for $3.95. He tacked on an order of chicken tenders ($3.95) for good measure. We then set up construction barriers and orange cones around our booth so no innocent bystanders would get hurt and commenced loading.   My Special Coney was too heavy and sloppy to lift, so I had to dismantle it with a knife and fork prior to shoveling it into my cavernous maw. The dog itself was quite flavorful and spicy and, when commingling with the chili, beef and cheese, made for a particularly riotous party in my mouth.   The best part was scooping up the overflow off my plate and messily devouring it.   The onion rings and chicken strips -- which I was allowed to sample during the course of our well-mannered (hic) meal -- were your typical frozen-then-deep-fried goods but were delicious nonetheless; the strips came with a side of honey mustard and, with the rings, ranch dressing.   Fatty expressed his pleasure for the Coney dog through hurried mastication and a rousing comment: "That was tas-ty!"   Other load-worthy grub offered at the National Grill includes pita sandwiches ($4.95 to $6.95), Greek gyros ($4.95 to $7.95 for a dinner combo) and all-day breakfast plates and omelets (all in the $4-6 range). Disappointingly, only one-third-pound burgers are offered; Fatty and I agreed real burgers are at least a half-pound. But for three or four bucks, getting two isn't out of the question.   Regardless, it was refreshing to pound down an honest-to-gosh Coney dog and to find it overwhelmingly satisfying. But remember, prescribing to The Loading Zone is not recommended, unless you disregard the advice of your doctor first.
From: Ross Entered on: October 23, 2003 3:42 PM
Quite sweet, Swerb. Made me laugh several times.     So Fatty, do you have this one hanging up in your house yet? You could use it as a wooing tool to all future Fatettes, you know, like instead of hanging up your diploma or other creditials, you hang up your eating credentials.
From: BigFatty Entered on: October 23, 2003 4:07 PM
I was thinking of making a BigFatty - Seal of Approval, with my mug in the center. I could give it to my favorite restaurants to hang in the window. People would look for these signs knowing that the food is cheap, greasy, and tas-ty!     I did show the article off a bit. Gave a copy to professor Gerry. So far, I'm getting no takers for this man of stature and girth.
From: Swerb Entered on: October 23, 2003 11:42 PM
Well, BigFatty, I've been writing that stupid column for five-plus years, and it hasn't landed me any hotties (Stacy excepted, of course, even though the column didn't exist when I first met her), so don't get your hopes up.     By the way, I finally bit the bullet and bought some kickass new speakers for my home theater. Shitty hand-me-down Bose bookshelf speakers? Gone! Replaced with:     A subwoofer: http://www.jamo.com/consumer/products/products_add. php3?id=E%205ADD.2&tab=3     Sweet center channel (the surrounds in the pic are the same ones I bought several months ago):   http://www.jamo.com/consumer/products/products_add. php3?id=E%208ADD&tab=1     And my front channels:   http://www.jamo.com/consumer/products/products.php3 ?id=E+850     I went with a smaller sub 'cause I don't want to rattle the frickin' windows or anything. I had to order the center and sub, and they'll be in next week to complete my sweet system. I can't wait!