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Another Poop Report
Entered on: July 17, 2003 3:30 PM by Ross
I feel we haven't had a good shit discussion here on Jackassery in a while (sorry, Jack) and something amusing just happened to me at work that I felt like sharing.  
I was heading into the bathroom here at the office for my daily usual, and someone was walking in just ahead of me. Now, my personal rules say that once you walk into the bathroom, you do not acknowledge anyone else for the most part. But this guy felt the need to hold the door open for me. Then I notice that it's this short little gay guy who sits on the other side of the office. I don't think much of it, but he heads over to section of stalls. Out of five, one second from the end was taken. Then this joker takes the one second from the OTHER end. So I'm forced to go next to somebody. So I just pick the end next to this guy because it's closest.  
Then the hilarity ensues. He's silent in there for a really long time, not making any noise of even unbuttoning pants or anything. I assume he was self conscious about having been face-to-face with someone who is now sitting next to you, knowing that they're going to hear you shit. Finally, he gets down to business. What blew my mind, though, was right as he went to unleash the opening fart, he flushes the toilet! But the far was clearly audible even in the fray. One would think that he would think "okay, nice try, but it didn't work" but no, he kept doing it. He flushed 4 times, each time in a futile attempt to mask his bowel sounds. It was all I could do to stifle laughter. By the last one, I was on my way to being done so I finished quickly and got out to spare him any potential meeting-at-the-sink embarassment. Some people horribly shameful shitters, I guess...

NEWS 60 - 4 Comments
From: The Bone Entered on: June 19, 2003 9:10 PM
That was a pretty good story Ross. I hate shitting right next to someone, especially if I just had a face to face. I think I would have just come back another time or went to another bathroom. I for one, get up a little early and have my morning usual at home to avoid the "at work morning shit squad". For me, shitting is a silent retreat, much like Zen meditation.
From: Ross Entered on: June 20, 2003 8:41 AM
I definitely wasn't a fan of the face-to-face either, but as I shit daily in office environments, I have gotten pretty much used to the small discomfort of walking into/out of a stall and having someone see me.  
Reminds me of the Ikea incident. Was it you who couldn't shit because of the cacophony in the room?
From: BigFatty Entered on: June 20, 2003 9:17 AM
There is a certain etiquette for office shitting behavior that I have received time to time in my email. I'm sure you have seen it - but obviously this chump has not. You always maximize proximity to other shitters. You never leave your stall when witnesses abound. You did well here Ross. The flushing while farting is just retarded. Who was he trying to fool? That reminds me of the guy in the Perkins bathroom who after every anal squeak whispered - excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. It was unbearably ridiculous. I ran out of there laughing my ass off.
From: Ross Entered on: June 20, 2003 10:47 AM
That is hilarious! I've never heard that story! Classic.  
For some reason that reminds me of an episode that bears no resemblance yet makes me laugh every time I think of it. Back in the summers of '93 and '94, I had a job with Tall Pat (Johny and Fatty have met him, he was a good friend in junior high/high school, he's 6' 8") at Burlington Coat Factory. We worked in the back room unloading trucks and putting price tags on the merchandise. We had elaborate setups where we wheeled carts laden with price tagging equipment through aisles of clothes and challenged each other to see who was the quickest.  
Anyway, on to the point of my story: we both brought our lunches every day and for some reason I always had grape soda in mine. Then I started noticing that my shits were green every day and pondered what would be the cause. I think I talked to my mom about it and she told me that aritificial grape flavoring caused your poo to turn a nice shade of pea green, so the mystery was solved. I happily explained this to Pat, but he was not amused, in fact he found the entire conversation to be ludicrous and offensive, so much so that he would "shush" me when I even tried to say the phrase "aritificial grape flavor".  
Of course, I couldn't let something like this stop me. That day, while Pat was in the bathroom, I took out a label maker (remember those devices that you punch letters onto an adhesive strip?) and spelled out ARTIFICIAL GRAPE FLAVOR and pasted it to the top of his cart - the thing he stands in front of for hours every day. Then I waited. It took about an hour before he noticed, but he flipped out and started yelling at me, and I swear I was crying with laughter because - how could he explain to someone else why he was pissed?

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