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BigFatty has a HEART ATTACK!
Entered on: July 28, 2003 2:42 AM by BigFatty
I almost died last night. Two hours of panic and frustration. It was a fitting ending for my last paper at school. Now I hate writing papers with a passion. I am notorious for procrastinating. This final paper was the paper to end all papers. It wasn't a thesis, mind you - but a dull task of comparing the economies of France and Spain within 20 pages. Keep in mind that I finished all my classes almost 1-1/2 months ago. I still had 3 papers to hand in to be officially done. If I missed one paper, I could not graduate. Well, I put those damn papers off. It's summer, sunny out, have not seen my friends for weeks because of my Europe trip, and I'm SICK of papers. Oh I meant to do them, ask Jack. I was always telling him that I couldn?t do something cuz I would be working on my paper. I would be at home thinking about writing one, well, I?ll start after the news?. Oh this show looks interesting? Hmm the grass needs water?.. I can?t start now ? Maria will be home in an hour. Of course it came down to the wire. It was Sunday. I did do the 2 smaller papers earlier in the week. I had 3 pages into a 20 page paper done. I got my business started early, well I woke up at 10am, but needed a nap, so I slept until noon. Yes the writing was long and excruciating. I worked on that crapper until one in the morning. I hated every moment of it. It was a bad paper. I was burned out on school. I barely got 14 out of the 20 pages. That?s all I?ve got captain - I ain?t got no more! I did the final save on it, then booted up the Internet. The computer started acting funny. You know where this is going, don?t you? It locked up. No biggy. Ctrl-Alt-Del. Nope! It?s really froze. Gotta turn it off, good thing I saved it! My computer boots to a black screen. What the Hell! I?ll try it again. There is Windows, normal boot up stuff?.what the hell was that! Shit, something is fucked up. It went to C: and put up some garbally shit. I still have a black screen. I?m a tad worried, but hell, I know some tricks. You can?t keep Fatty down! I?ll boot from my Windows CD! Nope. Wait, change the boot sequence! Nope. I wonder if Ross minds a call at 2am? Better exhaust all the possibilities. My last hope was my trusty old computer sitting in the closet. I was quite pissed off. I ripped open the new computer, ripped out the HD, set up the old computer, took the cover off and booted it up. It?s working! I unplug the slave drive and set my new HD to slave and plug it in. That?s right bitch, you?re fucking with Fatty now! I smugly click on My Computer to read the new drive. The computer locks up. MOTHER FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT WRITING THIS PAPER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is my chest feeling tight? I reboot once more, a broken man. Its working OK, but this is an old computer and the bios wouldn?t recognize a 40 gig. I have 2 10 gigs in it now. In any case, I decide to try and browse for it within my email. It takes me a fucking hour to find my profs email address. I am no longer an official student and he is an assoc. prof. This apparently makes things extremely difficult. I find it, go to YahoooooooMail, and browse for the drive. It pops up?? good. Just click on D:?..GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKPIECEOFSHIT froze up!!!!!!!!!!!! I?m finished. I?m not doing another paper. Fuck it. I don?t need the degree. I?m just fucked. Then the drive kicked on. HELL YA BITCH ? THAT?S FATTY TALKIN TO YA. Success!!! I emailed that bitch. My head hurts, chest aches, and I?m all sweaty. That?s the last goddamn paper I will ever do. It knew it, and just wanted to fuck me. Typical Fatty-style.

NEWS 88 - 17 Comments
From: Creeko Entered on: July 28, 2003 5:30 AM
Now that those damn papers are out of the way, you can dedicate you time to more important things, like the Xbox!  
You guys used to give me the business when I quit my job after I purchased the Sega Saturn years ago.  

 
From: Ross Entered on: July 28, 2003 8:47 AM
Jesus Christ Fatty, I had no idea that I gave you such a lemon. I'm sorry, man, I really am. I started feeling my own chest siezing as I was reading further and further into your story.  
 
That does sound kind of similar to my problems with that machine, if I recall. That is weird as hell. I wonder what the problem is? In any case, you handled it perfectly! You did everything I would have done, maybe more. Congradulantions! And at least now if the damn thing locks up on you, the only person who will care is the chick on the other end of the web cam!  
 
Incidentally, I read the subject of your message and was more than a little concerned that it was literally true that you had a heart attack.
 
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 28, 2003 3:40 PM
Dude!

The first thing you do after completing this behemothic paper is... write 5 pages' worth on Jackassery!?!?

And two words for you: white space. Can I get an amen!?

Seriously though, Congradulantions on your journey to manhood. Now get back to KOTOR!
 

From: Gerry Entered on: August 6, 2003 12:33 PM
Hey Big Fatty!  
 
Sorry to hear that the paper assignment for my class caused you such heart palpitations! I?m sure some of that Alpine monk-juice you bought could have helped revive you though.  
 
You think writing the paper was a ?dull task? ? I had to grade the thing! Ugh. I knew it was going to be a stomach churner when your title page had errors ? giving the wrong course name and number does not make a favorable impression! And your opening paragraph was a classic: ?Spain has a long and rich history. Some of its past predates history.? Pure poetry.  
 
I shouldn?t grumble too much though ? you did provide some much needed comic relief during my grading marathon. How many economics papers include both the phrases ?a picture of a large fish eating a seal? and ?it made for a long and sweaty train ride?, not to mention ?That?s not rocket science, its economics??? Academia is going to miss you, my friend.  
 
Anyhow, when all was said and done you did a fine job. And our trip to France would certainly have been quite dull without you. Congrats on your graduation. Keep in touch.  

 
From: Ross Entered on: August 6, 2003 1:07 PM
It cannot be overstated how absolutely hilarious it is to have your prof publically make fun of you in front of your friends and everybody else on the internet. So righteous.

Fatty, I can't believe that you wrote the things he said. And they gave you a degree for all of this? Gerry, can I get an MBA if I re-write Fatty's paper for him? Shouldn't be too hard:

MY SUMMER VACATION TO SPAIN
- By Big Fatty

Spain is a country. An old country. It is in Yurup. They speak French Spanish there. They use pesos or something for currency. Who knows what they use? I don't frickin know, damn Mexicans.

I ate a lot of food there. I like to eat. I also like to take siestas. Maybe I'll move to Spain and eat Mexican food, speak French, and take siestas. I will fit in great. If I can play my xbox there, I'm going for sure.

THE END

PS: Thanks for the degree, suckers!
 

From: Ross Entered on: August 6, 2003 1:22 PM
I also think that "academia is going to miss you, my friend" is such a sweet quote that it belongs in the encyclopedia. I'm laughing myself silly at my desk...
 
From: The Bone Entered on: August 6, 2003 1:40 PM
Ross, I share your sentiments completely. Fatty - post your paper on Jackassery so we can mock it in it's entirety. I'm certain there are other gems beyond what Proffessor Gerry pointed out. "Some of it predates history", I can't fuckin believe that one. Jesus Christ.
 
From: John Entered on: August 6, 2003 11:45 PM
I'm not one to mock other people in our group for their writting as I myself am not to sweet. As Swerb said, I'm more witty in person and my spelling sucks. With that said your prof had me cracking up. You yourself said it was bad, I just did not realize to what degree. My thanks to Gerry for posting some of the shittier aspects so I could fully appreciate just how bad this paper was. I agree with the Bone and think you should post the paper for further mocking.
 
From: Jackzilla Entered on: August 6, 2003 4:01 PM
"Some of its past predates history."

Pure gold, my friends! Did Fatty do any other papers for Prof. Gerry? I'd love to read more! This could be a new FOX TV series: America's Funniest Term Papers
 

From: John Entered on: August 6, 2003 5:40 PM
Pure gold is right Zilla. I was laughing my ass off when I read this. We demand that Fatty comes out of retirement and writes papers to submit to Jackassery for our amusement.
 
From: Ross Entered on: August 6, 2003 7:29 PM
Perhaps Fatty meant "predates recorded history." In any case, if there's ever a time to say what you mean, it's in a damn term paper. Best. Paper. Ever.
 
From: Jackzilla Entered on: August 6, 2003 7:52 PM
Rumor has it that despite having the wrong class name and number on the title page he did spell his name correct: Kudos, Fatty!
 
From: BigFatty Entered on: August 6, 2003 10:03 PM
Analysis of Assholes

By BigFatty

Jackassery 101

The sample for my analysis consisted of four individuals. These four are white males, and most of them are in their 30s. To the average person on the street, these men appear normal. After my in-depth analysis, the only conclusion to be made is these four are complete arsehurls!

Findings:

They suck

They love to find mis-spellings and use big words

Their HALO playing is questionable

My experiments and conclusions can be duplicated. This is not rocket science, it is JACKASSERY!

What can I say??? I wrote a shitty paper and got called on it. I'll take my licks. Gerry - I think you developed a great idea for improving students papers. Tell them you will post bad out-takes and give credit to the author in a public forum. After a taste of peer ridicule, those students will be writing like Robert Frost.

I will not post that paper. Gerry kindly posted the few fun items. The rest is 14 pages of boring facts and figures. Oh - there is one page of a poorly written interview. Serba would be scandalized!
 

From: John Entered on: August 6, 2003 10:40 PM
That's right Fatty, it's Jackassery so you can expect jackasses to prevalent on this site. I don't deny that we are arsehurls or that we suck. Some of us do like to point out mis-spellings and use big words, but come on, to suggest that our HALO skills are dubious, now that was harsh man.  
 
Well, at least I never tried to purport that Spain was around before the Big Bang!!! Was that harsh? I can never tell.
 
From: Jackzilla Entered on: August 7, 2003 12:14 AM
Afterall kids, it's not rocket surgery... it's economics!
 
From: Creeko Entered on: August 7, 2003 7:21 AM
Fatty  
 
Why didn't you just ask me for my paper on Thomas Becket. I can't remember how many times I recycled that one (In fact I used it twice with the same professor and turned it in with Tony as a joint venture). It got me through GRCC. Surely it could have been used for Professor Gerry's class.
 
From: Swerb Entered on: August 7, 2003 1:37 PM
After all, it's not brain science, it's eckonomicz. Fatty, is English your second language?  
 
This is the funniest shit I've experienced in MONTHS. I'm sitting at my desk with tears running down my face right now....  
 
In Fatty's defense, I'm sure that last paper was a formality, and hence, he didn't give a shit. But he deserves a round of applause for dispensing hilarity in large quantities, intentionally or otherwise.
 

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