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If anyone cares
Entered on: July 15, 2003 2:10 PM by Swerb
This was the offending link to my review of Pirates of the Caribbean that resulted in Ross' fornication of's process. I will not reproduce the link here; instead, here's my cut-and-paste of the article:  
Pirate movies have long since fallen out of Hollywood's social graces. They're too old-fashioned, too unhip, too saddled with kitschy, marble-mouthed "arrr matey" dialogue to draw fans of today's slickly produced and thematically gritty action pictures.  
However, the delightfully silly "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" proves there still are plenty of swashes to be buckled in the movies. (buckles to be swashed?)  
Packed to the gills with action, the film never takes itself seriously as it floats massive sailing ships -- cannons often blazing -- across the screen, puts damsels in distress and pits haggard, dentally challenged pirates against stiff, snooty British soldiers.  
While the paint-by-numbers story may result in a rolling of eyeballs by more discriminating viewers, the film's colorful and clever parade of characters keeps the sometimes unwieldy, two-plus hours of "Pirates," vaguely based on the Disney World theme-park ride, from sinking to Davy Jones' locker.  
"Pirates of the Caribbean" opens on a 16th century British battleship where a young girl, the daughter of a governor, spots a boy floating unconscious on a piece of driftwood. After he's hauled aboard, she is instantly enamored with him and removes a sinister-looking gold coin from around his neck and hides it so her father won't think he's a pirate and abandon him.  
Fast-forward 10 years: Elizabeth (18-year-old Natalie Portman lookalike Keira Knightley), now of marrying age, is being nudged by her stately, bewigged father (character actor Jonathan Pryce) into nuptials with tragically rigid military commander Norrington (Jack Davenport). But the rescued boy, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, from the "Lord of the Rings" series), is now a blacksmith and an expert swordsman. Their relationship suffers from the typical working class/bourgeoisie social gap, but Elizabeth still treasures the mysterious coin, which may hold the secret to Turner's past.  
Then comes Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), an eccentric pirate who steps onto the dock just as his small, decrepit vessel sinks. The Brits prefer to hang pirates than sip tea with them, and even though Cap'n Jack saves Elizabeth's life, they condemn him to the brig. Things get complicated when the Black Pearl, a legendary pirate ship with black sails, pulls into the harbor. Its captain, Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), is after Elizabeth's coin, which can be used to lift a curse on him and his gnarly crew.  
Conveniently, the paths and pasts of Sparrow, Turner and the Black Pearl are neatly intertwined, and the film descends into a fun and slightly blood-soaked gallows tale waist-deep with swordfights, supernatural hokum, romance, cheeky one-liners, cheesy gee-whiz action and numerous double-crosses.  
The screenplay gives Captain Jack plenty to do as he switches sides as often as he would change socks -- if he weren't a pirate; I assume fresh clothing would violate the pirate's code, which, by the way, is one of the film's amusing running gags. Namely, that conniving pirates would even have a code, especially one that entails breaking said code through various forms of backstabbery.  
Depp's portrayal of Captain Jack proves there's a fine line between clever and stupid and he walks that line deftly, giving the permanently eyeshadow-wearing pirate a vaguely drunken slur to go with a seamless and humorous rum cocktail of musty testosterone and effeminate swishiness. Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio ("Shrek") also smartly make Elizabeth a sprightly, take-charge damsel who harbors a secret attraction to dangerous, passionate men. This characterization, coupled with Depp's charisma, gives the film levity amidst the heft of its many action/battle sequences.  
Certainly, the filmmakers could have shaved off a few minutes to increase the film's tautness, but it moves quickly, setting sail in front of a mighty gale. Thankfully, the script plays fast and loose with the ideas of epic filmmaking, treading lightly on cliches while keeping its tongue in cheek and filling the screen with lively, likable characters. Heck, even the beyond-ugly bad guys are funny.  
"Pirates of the Caribbean" is ambitious in its desire to entertain but isn't so lightweight as to be forgettable.  
Sure, it's old-fashioned, predictable and sometimes annoyingly giddy. Unlike many summer films, though, dropping some hard-earned cash to see it won't make you feel like you just walked the plank.

NEWS 71 - 12 Comments
From: John Entered on: July 9, 2003 1:47 PM
That was a great article, Swerb! It make me want to add this movie to my list of films I want to see. Prior to reading your review I wasn't to keen on seeing Pirates of the Caribbean, however now I think I'll round up the kids and check it out. I also want to see T3 as well. So many movies this summer and so little time.
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 9, 2003 4:10 PM
Great article, Swerb!  
I still think Depp looks like the lead singer of Poison in this thing...  
The movie looks like it's going after the same audience as The Mummy. No doubt they're looking for a new franchise. If there were fewer movies out I might catch it, but I still wanna see T3 and The Italian Job. Plus The League is coming! What a great summer for movies! And not a "Honey, I Ate the Kids!" movie in sight!  

From: BigFatty Entered on: July 9, 2003 8:15 PM
Move over Douglas! We have a fresh, new, hip, cat! When is that old geezer going to pass the reins over to you???  
Did you go to that viet sandwich shop? We got another one for you. Next time you come out to Lowell, we will hit Ball's Ice Cream stand for a BBQ Pork Sandwich. Its fun to ask if they pull their own pork. The sandwich is damn tasty! Tasty has been there, its goooooood!
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 9, 2003 11:15 PM
If you want to be super sweet at Ball's Ice Cream ask them to put Wacky Eyes (tm) on the BBQ Pork Sandwich. Most people only add them to their ice cream cones, but they're good on everything!  

From: Ross Entered on: July 10, 2003 9:35 AM
That is a sweet article Swerb. I've been saying it for a while - get Douglas the hell out! In with the new blood!  
And actually I thought the previews for this movie looked pretty good and was looking forward to seeing it.
From: Swerb Entered on: July 10, 2003 2:47 PM
You know, I'm waiting for Douglas to retire, so I can get his job, but he's one of those guys who's going to work until he kicks off at 103 years old....  
Fatty: I still haven't made it out to the Vietnamese place, because I'm lazy... that, and I haven't had a good time to take my friend Brian out there, who loves Asian food and will try ANYTHING, no matter how wierd or gross. (He tried tripe at a Viet restaurant once... shudder.) He even said he'd eat an eyeball if it was on the menu, just so I'd have something fun to write about. Sweet, huh? Thus, it's ironic that I could order a pork sammitch in Lowell with wacky eyes on it... By the way, and maybe I've said this before, but I'll take any greasy-spoon recommendations you guys've got.
From: BigFatty Entered on: July 10, 2003 3:36 PM
Dude - You should have been along on the Costa Rican Adventure. I needed a fellow cheapskate/ greasy-spoon lover to help sample the many eateries Ross called mexican garbage cans. They served a quite gamey chicken ala flies. Tasty? Not really, but an adventure none the less.
From: Ross Entered on: July 10, 2003 3:40 PM
He knows about them after-the-fact, as we came home from a concert one night and got a burrito from the only place open near my place, which was a Mexican Garbage Can. It was stuffed full of Road Chicken.  
For reference:

From: Ross Entered on: July 10, 2003 5:55 PM
Swerb, I hope you don't mind, I cleaned up the URL in your message so it didn't make the columns fat and throw the whole site out of whack. ;)
From: Ross Entered on: July 11, 2003 7:45 AM
...and of course I end up royally fucking up the site in the process. (See latest news message)
From: Jackzilla Entered on: July 11, 2003 9:00 AM
So really it's Swerb's fault with his unsightly, problematic URL. Damn you Swerb! You fuckin' idiot! I'm calling you Swerb: The Duke of URL from now on!  
Ross, aren't you glad you cleaned up the URL so that the whole site wasn't out of wack? It's got plenty of wack now! It's wacky as shit!  

From: Swerb Entered on: July 12, 2003 12:41 AM
Yeh, the site is thoroughly wacked now. Thing is, I just realized the articles on that site are only archived for a couple of weeks, so after a while the URL would have been pointless, anyway. So, all the process fornication is for nothing. Frustrating, huh?

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